Cripplers of Our Souls

Fears within me…

As much as we would want to have a peaceful and serene life there are really those times where we find our match. A match in a sense that, they cripple our soul and deteriorate our self-esteem. These are our fears.

These fears are not of the ordinary fear of a common child where they fear about monsters and ghosts but these fears are those which we cannot easily get out of our system because they were perfectly implanted in our minds and hearts by no less than ourselves.

Over and over again we try to overcome these fears but they never seem to disappear. They resurface once again to give us things that we hoped we would never experience again.

A fear of being alone resides within me. I hate to be alone even in a very nice day where everybody seems to be happy. I want to be with somebody else. If there is a thing that may not be comfortable about, that would be the fact that later in my life I would be alone, independent and all by myself. After years of being so dependent with the company of others, time will come that I would need to satisfy myself with the company of nothing else but my shadow.

This fear of mine is not just an ordinary fear but it affects me in such a way that my daily activities are dependent to other people. Let’s say for example, I don’t go to the comfort room alone. I really need someone to accompany me and if there would be nobody to accompany me; I would not go at all. Even a simple trip to the canteen, there will always be a wanted company. See how these fears may affect me. They make me into a person I don’t want to just because I don’t want to feel the awkwardness of being alone.

Another fear I would like to share is a fear that people would misjudge me. I think this is not only a problem to me but almost to everybody who is not accustomed to socializing with other people. I think I’m one of those.

Well, I don’t know why. Stares of people that I don’t know makes me think I’m of a lesser human capability. Little by little I think that I am slowly deprived of my right to say something because of this fear, it makes me think I never had the correct ideas. Actually, this could be a bit of a shock to anybody who knows me in UP High because they see me as an outspoken person but even myself I just can’t seem to understand. Even criticisms I hate to hear. Why? I don’t know how I would react to this. I do not exactly know how to comprehend to the words they speak and may react in a different manner from that of which they were expecting me to react. It could be chaotic afterwards.

I may have experienced the ups and the downs of my life but still there is more that I should discover and of those things topping my list of learnings for the next days of my life would be to finally shrug of these fears from my shoulders or even master them because its not really a matter of how you feel that makes these fears dangerous but it is what you could do that makes them hair-raising.